I do my best thinking in the shower. The shower gives me a generally uninterrupted 10-15 minutes to relax quietly and let my mind wander through anything other than lunch preparation, bills that need to be paid, the uncomfortable conversation I might be avoiding or the downstairs toilet that still needs cleaning. I remember the days, years ago, where showers were stress-filled and hurried because I had {1, 2, 3} little people that couldn’t be left alone without getting into some kind of trouble. But for the last few years, I’ve come to cherish that time each day.

winterofdiscontent / Foter / CC BY-NC-SA

It was in the shower a few days ago that I had a sort of internal conversation about my lack of attention to this blog space and the reasons behind it. You see, I tend to get quiet and tight-lipped in both my ‘real’ life and my online presence when I’m stressed and/or obsessing about some situation. I’m not a terribly trusting person and in years past there’s no way I would have been able to share anything with anyone without immediately setting out to analyze what the person I spoke with thought of me, what they might be saying behind my back, and instantly regretting I ever opened my mouth. I’m better at that now and ended up with this one pervasive thought all throughout my reflections……

Am I being authentic in my own internet-space

if I only make the time to write when things are going well?

The answer is obvious, of course I’m not, and that’s not okay with me. It’s no wonder women think mom bloggers are superhuman, that they’re somehow able to better balance all that life throws their way and keep a clean house, well-behaved children and a strong faith in the process. I can understand why it happens, for sure. Who wants to post about their crabby attitudes? Who wants to admit their boys fight and complain much more than they are sweet and obedient? Who in their right mind writes about things that might paint themselves in a selfish, ungrateful, faithless sort of light? Certainly not me, and so this space of mine gets quiet.

My blog gets quiet, I stop sleeping, I struggle to maintain my status quo, I get snippy with my family, I research/plan/think/plot semi-obsessively, I question God and I flirt with depression.

khalid almasoud / Foter / CC BY-NC-SA

Yes, this is where I am right now. A {hopefully & prayerfully} short season in my life where I don’t have things figured out, can’t put together what I should be doing, and feel a little like I’m falling apart at the seams. I write about it because I’m not the only one here. I’m not the only one that still has a life to lead in the midst of it. Right now, as I sit here typing, I don’t have any answers. I’m taking each moment as it comes, putting one foot in front of the other and leaning on the hope that the Lord is strong in my weakness. I can’t fix everything in one night, the answers aren’t all laid out for my approval and direction. Life and in it, faith, don’t quite work that way.

“Rejoice in hope, be patient in tribulation, be constant in prayer.” -Romans 12:12

I can, however, identify small things that are contributing to this place I’m in. Simple issues I can tackle on my own to put me in a position where I can be shown, led, corrected, and taught through grace in this time of my life.

• I need to sleep regularly and on a somewhat normal schedule.
• I need to choose to meet my commitments and keep my word, regardless of how I feel.
• I need to open my Bible each and every day – it’s the very first thing that falls by the wayside when I’m stressed and it’s the only thing that can offer any real comfort and direction.
• I can’t skip workouts – I feel great once I’m finished but the getting started is hard.
• I have to stay connected to people. Everything seems BIGGER when you isolate yourself and it’s my consistent modus operandi.

“So we do not lose heart. Though our outer self is wasting away, our inner self is being renewed day by day. For this light momentary affliction is preparing for us an eternal weight of glory beyond all comparison, as we look not to the things that are seen but to the things that are unseen. For the things that are seen are transient, but the things that are unseen are eternal.” – 2 Corinthians 4:16-18

Hopelessness & frustration are not of God. They are a deception, a temptation to rely more on me, more on the here and now and to discard the things eternal. This place, these feelings make me ineffective for Christ and that makes our enemy smile….I want no part of it!

I thank you for taking the time to {read} listen, it was a catharsis simply to write the words! I have hope that I can put these words into practice in my own life and stop keeping myself from participating in this gift, this family, this life with which I’ve been blessed!

Adrian Dreßler / Foter / CC BY

If this is the place you find yourself today, please don’t hesitate to send an email to danielle@organizationalhysteria.com I’ve lived this cycle my entire life, I know exactly how you feel and I would consider it an honor to pray with and for you. Everything seems bigger when you feel alone, and there is just no reason to feel alone anymore!

God Bless.